For abject failure, fat cattery and freeloading, the awards go to…
IT’s a celebration of public sector incompetence that has become a festive tradition.
The Granties awards are given to the most outstanding under-achievers of the year.
And in 2020, there was a bumper crop of noteworthy nominees.
They are the dullards, bumblers and bunglers who deserve special recognition.
And there a few self-righteous hypocrites and bumptious buffoons thrown in for good measure.
Among them are the not-so-great and the not-very-good: the fat cats and the freeloaders.
Their display of brazen contempt for voters and indeed for the public purse is consistently impressive.
The judges faced some agonising decisions — so in some cases runners-up are given honourable mentions.
Let’s put them out of their misery and reveal the lucky winners… Drum roll please!
THE LAZARUS AWARD FOR BEST COMEBACK
As Education Secretary, Angela Constance was a bona fide disaster from day one.
She continued a run of appalling performers and set the tone for the many failures that lay ahead.
Displaying her grammatical prowess, she once said in a radio interview: ‘This is work that has went on for over a decade.’
And back in 2015 she tried to re-do a live television interview on the BBC’s Sunday Politics show with interviewer Gordon Brewer.
Now rescued from backbench oblivion, she’s the minister in charge of tackling Scotland’s drug deaths epidemic. What could go wrong?
THE WHISKAS AWARD FOR MOST SHAMELESS FAT CAT
SCHOLARLY endeavour doesn’t always pay off, but for Sir Ian Diamond the halls of academe were a goldmine.
He was given a £600,000 payoff from Aberdeen University when he retired as its principal in 2018.
But the university was ordered to hand back £119,000 to the Scottish Government after an investigation found the ‘golden goodbye’ showed no regard for value for money.
The university asked Sir Ian, 66, to return the forfeited portion of his payoff in June — but has now given up.
This level of sheer dedication to fat cattery made Sir Ian an obvious choice for this year’s Whiskas.
THE GEORGE A ROMERO ‘ZOMBIE MINISTER’ AWARD
THIS award is given to those ministers most likely to be heading for the backbenches.
Romero winners beware: previous winners have included Shona Robison, who quit after botching the health brief, and her successor Jeane Freeman — who’s stepping down at the election in May.
After he survived a no confidence vote in the aftermath of this year’s exams debacle, John Swinney picks up this year’s Romero.
With a schools shutdown looming next month, many pitfalls face the First Minister’s consigliere — could he become her sacrificial lamb?
THE TRUMP AWARD FOR SOCIAL MEDIA PROFICIENCY
GETTING your message out on social media is a crucial skill in modern politics, but not one that everyone has mastered.
It’s a crowded field this year, but the Trump goes to a late entrant to the contest –SNP Coatbridge MP Steven Bonnar.
On Sunday, he tweeted that Nationalists would ‘fight to the death’ for their country, before deleting his post and insisting that it was a joke.
The runner-up was independence-supporting comedian Hardeep Singh Kohli — who was also accused of a xenophobic Twitter tirade at the weekend.
THE BRAVEHEART AWARD FOR SERVICES TO SCOTTISH TOURISM
A new award for this year’s Granties, the Braveheart is bestowed upon those who strive to showcase the best of Scotland.
SNP Commons group leader Ian Blackford scoops the Braveheart for his online attack on an English photographer.
He mistakenly implied that Ollie Taylor had broken lockdown when he took impressive snaps of the north of Scotland — when in fact Mr Taylor lives here.
The runners-up were those fanatical Nationalists who assembled on motorway bridges waving black Saltires to ward off English incomers.
THE RICHARD NIXON AWARD FOR TRANSPARENCY
THIS accolade goes to the top brass of the Scottish Government and indeed the SNP.
It’s in honour of their stubborn refusal to provide key documentation to the Salmond inquiry.
The First Minister’s husband, SNP chief executive Peter Murrell, told the committee he didn’t use WhatsApp.
It later emerged he had the app on his phone but he said he still did not use it — now MSPs are demanding clarification.
After months of wrangling and evasion, the Nixon is richly deserved — well done to all involved…
COVIDIOT OF THE YEAR
THE most fiercely contested category of the year saw a high number of nominees.
Runners-up include Catherine Calderwood, the chief medic who quit over Covid rule breaches.
Another top contender was Margaret Ferrier, who is under police investigation for her own idiosyncratic interpretation of the restrictions — which saw her lose the SNP whip.
But Nicola Sturgeon pipped them at the post — and wins Covidiot of the Year for her failure to wear a face covering at a funeral, despite reminding all of us on a daily basis to obey the strict regime for which she is responsible.
FREELOADER OF THE YEAR
DISGRACED former Finance Secretary Derek Mackay has claimed more than £8,500 of expenses — despite not being seen at Holyrood since he lost his Cabinet post.
The Renfrewshire North and West MSP faced renewed calls to quit after parliament records showed the huge bill he has racked up.
Mr Mackay was suspended by the SNP and quit his ministerial role earlier this year after admitting to bombarding a 16-year-old boy with 270 messages.
He’s done more than enough — or perhaps little enough — to secure the Freeloader accolade, and we hope he’s putting his feet up for a well-deserved festive holiday.
THE KEYSTONE AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO POLICING
FORMER Chief Constable Phil Gormley quit in 2018 after a series of unresolved bullying allegations.
Then he secured a top policing job in England — before two of his alleged victims sued him.
In the midst of lockdown, the case was settled out of court, with the two women receiving a total of more than £1million.
Mr Gormley now works in the charity sector — and a landmark report by Dame Elish Angiolini called for sweeping reforms of the police complaints system.
One of her recommendations is that investigations into officers facing misconduct claims shouldn’t be shelved.
THE PERRY MASON AWARD FOR LEGAL EXCELLENCE
SHARED jointly by Police Scotland and the Crown Office, the Mason pays tribute to their work on the Rangers fraud probe.
Out-of-court settlements have been agreed over claims of wrongful arrest and malicious prosecution.
But the repercussions are likely to be far-reaching, with more pay-outs to come, costing the public purse millions.
The First Minister has pledged an inquiry — and Lord Advocate James Wolffe QC is preparing to make an apology at Holyrood.
Extra deliveries of humble pie for both organisations are scheduled for the New Year — with the taxpayer once again picking up the tab.
*This column appeared in the Scottish Daily Mail on Tuesday, December 29.
